Probably the most important thing is the fact that I have attained my new student loan for the third year of my degree. This year I will be officially enrolled in University rather than College and the cost has changed to show that fact. I have to admit though, the cost (while I believed it high) is still lower than the average community college in the States. I had to wonder how, exactly, people even manage to go to school down there without being extremely wealthy, to say the least. My entire year is less than $5k, not including meals, rent or anything like that, that's just tuition of course. Still though, that's a rather far cry from $8k a year that a couple of my friends had to deal with just by going to a community college. Naturally, the amount of money I have right now is completely invested in school, but coupled with the loan and bursaries, I'll be able to go to school without having to deal with working during the year. Always a distinct plus. So with school set up and ready to go in September, I've been working on the final thing that I need to do for it: a portfolio for my senior level Fiction Writing course. 30 pages of text, double spaced (which would equal out to about 12k words I think). Simple enough stuff really, I think I could do that in a day if I wanted to, but the problem comes with what I want to do. Most of you who read my ramblings when I spout them know that I tend to specialize a bit in Science Fiction and Fantasy, while thinking things like Fiction have a better chance of making me want to hang myself from boredom. One would question why I'm going into a fiction class at all if that was the case, but I think most people know the answer: grades. If I can get a good enough grade on this, then I should do just fine and it would be nice to have a high graded 400 level subject (400 level is high level university to those who have a different system than ours). Maybe multiple stories, I dunno, but I'll figure it out. Either way, things are looking up a bit in that scope. Bout time too. No more of these fucking 4 English Classes in one year deals. I'm not stupid enough to do that again.
It's unfortunate to say that my regular writings haven't recovered all that well unfortunately though. I'm unsure if it's the fact that I have other things to distract me here at home that keeps me from writing, or the laziness I feel in this goddamn heat that has gripped Alberta at this point (to some this might seem rather cool, but 27 degrees Celcius, about 80 F) with air that feels like it should be swam in rather than breathed in, it's been cutting down on the things that I've been wanting to do, to say the least. Well, hopefully things will clear up and I'll get back on my road again to what my goals are. My To Do list isn't getting any shorter, to say the least, so I need to start trying to lessen it through some work.
Finally though, onto the reason for this post, a little stream of consciousness lovingly named for the title of this post. If you feel like reading it, just click below. If not, feel free to skip it.
Over the past days, the last three weeks, I have felt rather odd. The exact sum of it I don't really know, but I know that depression and worry about things have really been a part of it. I spoke to a friend about it and, really, I started thinking about it a lot. I thought maybe I'd put thoughts down, see if maybe someone else feels the same way or if I'm just a little bit too off in the head.
As my friend said, there is a natural human desire to be a part of something larger than they are, a thing that would allow them to feel as though they are doing some good in the world. Making a difference of sorts in a world where the only difference made often is birth and death, and even then, those aren't always looked upon with any degree of longevity save for friends and family. No, when I say a need to be a part of something, beyond anything that is rational in our lives, we start to desire a part of something that could allow us to be known, famous sometimes, that others will sit up and take notice of. Perhaps this is the reason we see tens or hundreds of thousands of webcomics online, each by a different artist trying to make due amongst a rather small 'market' for people to put together a living. Writers, I've no doubt, are the same way because of the sheer number of people who want to write a novel and maybe, just maybe, get published and look forward, get some people looking in one's direction. Feel a little better about oneself. I know for a fact that there are some people who are more than happy with the lot in life that they are given. I envy them in fact, because I feel that way myself sometimes. Why can't I be happy with what I have? Why can't I feel like things are good enough? Why can't I stop considering the future and just deal with shit one step at a time? All are good questions but I don't think there are any answers for any of them beyond looking toward ambition and desire. We all want something bigger and better, even if it's not much bigger and better, or maybe just a change from the norm to something that feels a little bit better.
I can't help but feel that specific things, people try to make themselves feel better by encompassing themselves in something that they can really get into, be it writing as a hobby, metalworking, woodworking or even just roleplaying. Some people have more manageable dreams than others, while certain people use their imaginations to escape the world that they're a part of. None of these are wrong, as without escapes we would surely all go insane and worry to deaths about the meager lives that we were given. Without play, work would suffer and vice versa. What is work without play? Play without work? It simply wouldn't be able to go, because they are yin and yang. A case of spontaneous reciprocal causation.
There is a phrase that people often use that seems to make quite a bit of sense when you first hear it: "There is a thin line between genius and insanity". I think, in a way, this is correct, but in actual fact, I believe in that our own ways, we are all insane, all deranged with the scope of what we choose to believe and the actions we take.
Dictionary.com defines derangement as:
tr.v. de·ranged, de·rang·ing, de·rang·es
1. To disturb the order or arrangement of.
2. To upset the normal condition or functioning of.
3. To disturb mentally; make insane.
Really, when someone looks at definition one or two of that, then one tends to think about it in a different manner really. In actual fact, I think it's more likely to say that genius IS derangement.
People considered to be wielding genius are the ones who don't stay the course. They follow the path they choose and they do their own thing, sometimes making discoveries or doing something other than what has been considered the norm. They do things that they wish to do because they want to do them, for discovery, for themselves and for what their dreams are. For those of you who have actually been reading my drivel for a long time, one would remember when I once wrote about followers and trailblazers. This would come rather close to that in a sense, or at least it would be a part of what I have to say presently. In actual fact though, a genius could be someone who invents something new just as easily as they could use their gifts to slaughter people in serial killings. When a genius kills, they call them insane, or deranged, while if a deranged man makes a weapon that can kill tens of thousands with the push of a button, they call him a genius. It's the little ironies in life that make things rather interesting, no?
Once, I did consider myself something of a trailblazer because I was moving toward what I wanted to do with my life. My goals are rather simple really in the grand scheme of things. I want to write and get a book published. I want to write for something like a TV series. I'd like, eventually, to even write for something like an animated series that starts characters of my creation. It's little things like that, our personal goals in each and every one of us, that makes us a trailblazer if we want to be, be original for ourselves and do what we feel we'd like to. To be honest though, I don't feel quite so much like one anymore because I haven't been working very steadily on things, haven't really been moving toward any of my goals. It's irritating for me, as it no doubt is irritating for each person who can't move toward the goals that they have set forth for themselves. Everyone has the capability of genius within them and a little derangement, it's a matter of trying to focus them into a working goal and a plan to get there instead of letting it fester and die. For me, I want to be a part of something bigger and better, but I keep forgetting that, sometimes, thinking about one's own projects are important too because trying to ride on the coat tails of someone else just isn't the way to go. While doing projects with others is always a great feeling, to say the least, one needs to be their own individuals too or there won't really be much fulfillment. Just a lot of dreams dying and a lot of 'what ifs' as the future becomes the present and the present becomes the past one quickly slipping day at a time.
So when you look at things, look at your life, take stock in it and see what things look like. There might be a route that is more fulfilling to take that one just doesn't really know about until backing off and looking at things from a far away view. Who knows, it might do some good.
Well, that's about it. Have a pleasant evening.
Eternally Present it Seems,