I've been this way quite a lot lately. I don't really let it get into my day to day speech because, as far as I'm concerned, I would much prefer to hear other people's problems and try to help where I can than tell people what's bothering me. Perhaps that's just my attempt at trying to be less of a pain or it's a thing where I don't feel it's all that important. I don't really know, it's something that I'll probably be thinking on for a long time to come. That, however, is not the focus of this post. That's a different ball of wax altogether.
I've been thinking a great deal about things, what I always seem to do when I'm feeling a little depressed and wanting to try and find some resolution to it. I consider things that could be wrong, what I do wrong and what I could potentially fix. It's unfortunate, though, that these things that I think need fixing actually don't and I end up causing more of a debacle than anything I could have done just by being myself. For instance, irritating an individual by trying to apologize or explain things away when I think they may need explaining (and most of the time, they don't). When I feel that maybe someone might be losing interest in being my friend (hell, even just when I talk to them on a regular basis) I end up smothering them or something like that. When I think things are going badly, I get paranoid.
With all of these things, I have been fighting for a long while. Years now actually, with some success, but a good deal of failures too. I know for a fact that I have irritated people in the past with this, to the point of frustration. I'd say I apologize, but I've done that so much that it's basically become something that's a part of that very irritation. Most of the people I've done this with, I'd hope that it wasn't too late to recover, but my hopes wouldn't be high on it. To be blunt, the fact that I act this way should be something of a telltale in whether I deserve to keep these good friends or not. I can just push on and hope that these problems won't hurt things worse and that I can fix them.
I've no doubt in my mind that I need to fix this. Inferiority complex, paranoia, worrying about piddly little details that don't matter, if I continue this it'll just end up crushing me. Make me a gibbering insecure idiot or something.
A friend of mine recently said, "Don't try so hard." The words bear more truth than just about anything really. I try so hard when I don't need to, I try so hard to make and keep a friend when someone is already my friend. I end up acting clingy and irritating instead. My idea of friendship, though it should have been clearer to me as I was growing up, is obviously not quite right. My idea of a best friend...it just seems awkward now. Trying too hard, basically, and I end up alienating the individual in question. It hurts to do that, obviously, but it seems to happen anyways.
Heh, that can be my mid year resolution maybe, trying to calm my ass down a little for a change and just relax.
Eh, anyways, I'm out. Have a good night.
Considering the Future,
P.S.: I HATE it when I'm mentally blocked yet I still have creative thoughts flowing. My muse is a spiteful spiteful individual.