It's been an awful long time since last I posted in this journal, over two months in fact, though I fear that even now, after so long, most of what I have to say would be an anticlimatic shift from what might be believed for the reasoning beyond my departure from the usual posting I had once achieved. Once every week or two seemed like a pretty common thing back then, but nowadays, it seems almost like it would be excessive considering. Whether that's because or my personal feelings on things, because I've changed some, or even because I just don't really have much will to do it, that's for others to decide, because I honestly don't know. It's as much a mystery to you as it is to me.
So what has kept me busy for all this time? Quite a few things, as a matter of fact, though none of them all that spectacular or important. Though they could be considered useful to me, but I suppose that is neither here or there, as when I tell about something on here, it is completely useless to most who couldn't care less about what I do during my day anyways. I know that sounds somewhat bitter and a tad cynical, but admit it, how much do you really care about my day to day life and what, exactly, I eat and do during my day? That's right...
Well, let's see, when was the last time I posted...I do believe that was July 9th. Sounds about right, over two months.
My summer was uneventful at best, an inability to take a vacation to see my friends, mixed with the fact that I could not find a job in the hellish town that I have grown up in. This made for a wonderful mix because I was stuck there, on a 56k modem, unable to really think of what to do besides just sit around and do nothing. All will disappeared and I turned into a lazy bastard who did nothing more than watch shitty television and go online. I couldn't even bring myself to write because that would have entailed doing something constructive. One begins to feel a new level of loathing for oneself when you feel like as though it would be too much work to sit down in front of a computer and think about something creative. This isn't to say I've got nothing done, it just feels as though most of my summer was wasted because of the burn out that I had from the end of school. That's right, burn out from school. I felt the same way throughout summer as I did at the end of my second school year, I managed to fuck myself up that badly because of all the crap that I had to do. The burnout basically ended up modifying itself and combining with the laziness, only to form some kind of brand new lack of mobility that seemed to infect me down to the very synapses of my brain. So, yeah, real great summer.
The only real thing that I can say I pulled in from summer would be that my muse was working overtime. I swear, it wanted to kill me, or to get me off my ass finally (something that it did, in fact, manage to get me to do occasionally). Overall though, it was distinctly disappointing, so I'm hoping that I will be able to continue once things from school settle down a bit here from 3rd year that started in September. More about that a little later. I'm still on target for achieving my New Year's resolution (for those of you who actually read this thing, as a reminder, my New Year's resolution was to have a book sent to a publisher by the end of the year). I'll be able to do it, assuming that I can get my ass in gear and get shit done for a change. All I need is time, really...
Other than that, I can think of nothing else that really had much value during the summer. I assisted my mother when she was getting her hip and knee replaced, driving around some daily to get chores and the like done, but other than that, not too much. I didn't really go up to the city much to get books or anything, no games really either. Things have been slow in both of those quadrants lately.
As of September 2nd, I'm officially in my third year of my Bachelor's Degree, something that I'm looking forward to, but at the same time, I fear. The first two years went incredibly fast, and I can only wonder if this second last year will go equally quickly. I mean, this shit is moving really goddamn fast now. I'm 23 years old, it just feels like things are in the next gear, that shit is moving way faster than I had anticipated they would. Hell, I'm the oldest of my roommates (again), I'm older than many in the current classes that I'm a part of, and I'm the only guy who talks in most of my classes, except for my two Senior Level English courses, in which there are 10 people and 4 people. I shit you not, that's the number in each of my classes. It's insane, not to mention I feel like I need to get every sentence of my homework done or I'll be completely fucked (to say the least). So, yeah, the level of responsibility is quite a bit higher now, and I'm worrying myself into a state pretty often because I'm unsure how well my writing style will fit with the new teachers I have. Oh well though, nothing I can do but try, right?
I have, this semester: a philosophy course, a physiology course, an art history course, and two high level Englishes. Next semester, I'll be trading out the Philosophy for History, and the Art History for another Art History course. Oh yeah, it'll be interesting indeed. *slams his head on his desk*
Things have been odd here at the college. I feel as though things are changing for me, modifying themselves without my knowledge. I'm feeling slightly more social now, thanks to my roommates, and yet at the same time, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I should be shying away, staying in my room and making myself scarce. Perhaps I fear the idea of making friends, or getting out and meeting people, or it could be the idea of being accepted as a foreign concept. It's been affecting me a great deal though, both for on and offline. I haven't been as social online and have been speaking to my friends alone for quite a time. It's rather disheartening to be honest, as I do enjoy meeting new people. Perhaps that is something of a catch 22 that I have trouble with...I want to be social and yet it terrifies me into my shell again to do so. Things feel so complex when they really don't have to be. Life goes on I suppose, what can you do?
My roommates, as I mentioned earlier, are all younger than me, some by a great deal. One is 21, drinker, video gamer, with a girlfriend and a friendly personality. The second is 19, bit of a goof but a nice guy nonetheless. The third is 17, a young fellow with a good deal of morality, but not enough to make him stuffy and boring, an anime buff, RPGer, table top and video gamer...all around, someone pretty similar to myself. I think I get along pretty well with all of them, especially the 17 year old fellow. You'd think this would make it much easier to live in here and have fun with them...and yet I still feel this sinking, horrible feeling everytime I speak to them or see them, like it's just a matter of time before I feel a knife in my back for having liked them or even, eventually, trusting them with things like my stuff that I leave outside of my room. Yet again my paranoia makes things difficult for me when it really doesn't have to. Still a work in progress I suppose, something that I thought I had licked...but I suppose our demons can never truly be destroyed, they can only be subjugated and pressed back. A depressing but truthful analogy I believe.
I'm about three weeks into school now, having been living with these individuals for about 20 days now. My sister is actually at college now, living in the next dorm about 50 paces from my front door. She's been making me meals as well, which is a definite bonus. So, I have to end up wondering, what the fuck is my problem?
Let me break this down:
1) My English classes will challenge me and I will enjoy them, despite my fears of my writing ability not being good enough.
2) The other classes I have are enjoyable and I feel as though I have a good grasp in them so far. I hope that this semester will entail a good viewing for me.
3) My roommates are pretty cool and are respectful of me. They don't do any damage to my stuff and are normal enough fellows.
4) My sister isn't far away and she makes me meals, preventing the 'meal in a can' weeks that I had last year when I basically became too lazy to cook.
So, explain to me, why the hell would I be feeling bleak, cynical and jaded over this? A little depressed even. I wish that I could explain myself but, alas, I can't. It just doesn't work. I live, I school, I do what I can to pass the time.
Sometimes life doesn't feel like it's enough. I don't know why this is, but I think everyone has felt it at some point or another: disappointment with how things have gone so far, how things will continue to be...even lamenting the time that has passed, unsure of what you want to do. It happens, unfortunately, and one just has to move on, survive and thrive as best one can.
I'm rambling now though, so I shall end this micro rant soon enough. I believe I have already made myself depressed enough through this.
Perhaps, perhaps, I shall continue to post, but I'm unsure of what I would say. I will simply say that this is the first time I've felt like posting in this journal in over two months, so perhaps this is a good sign, a sign that my creativity returns and my thoughts processes are starting to return to the realm of normality. It could be just as likely, though, that my mind is giving me some leeway to prevent another nervous breakdown, though I suppose that would be the pessimistic view of things.
Anyways, I don't expect anyone has actually read this pile of drivel to this point, but in case you are brave or bored, then I shall commend you and bid thee adieu, and I wish all of you a pleasant night.
Don't Let the Entropy Get You,
P.S. This journal entry was 1877 words, in case you wanted to know just how long this was.