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04:33pm 20/12/2006
  Being that I haven't posted here for two years, it is inactive.

I'll use this thing again when it has some purpose. For now, it doesn't, but I see no reason to delete it.
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Almost Christmas Time...   
04:30pm 08/12/2004
mood: happy
Once again it's been a long time since I've posted in here...looking back to the previous entry, I can't help but note that the last time I posted in here was mid September, the twenty first I believe, not too long after I started school.

It feels a little strange because I remember making that post, how I felt during it and when I was listening to Stealer's Wheel while I was writing it. Odd feelings, especially since I realize just how fast the last few months went. Too strange indeed to think about it, but anyways, onto other things I suppose.

So, what has happened in the last three months? An interesting set of thoughts indeed, as I wouldn't know where to begin. Do I speak of school or my thoughts or what's been going on in my life? Maybe, I'm not real sure, but I guess it's easier to just start from the beginning.

After my last post, I never really did recover from the apathy I had been feeling, mostly because I think I'm starting to get tired of school and the ideals that it bears. I'm tired of writing exactly what I'm told to write, then getting told that I did it wrong because I'm too 'stream of consciousness' based. I'm not sure whether to worry or just find it insulting that I'm being accused of thinking too much on my papers. At least I get decent marks, that generally what counts, though I'm going to have to take a crash course in paper writing or something to ensure that the professors of Third Year and on are going to give me halfway decent marks.

On that note, I dropped one of my English courses because the teacher was the exact opposite of what I had expected. Oh, the irony. You see, she was of the impression that our little class of ten people was no different than the class of seventy five she teaches at the other school she's employed at. She couldn't give two shits if I were to pass or fail, and I wanted to know what she wanted in the paper. Never before have I met a more cryptic women who can talk for half an hour and say nothing. I spoke with her three times about the first paper and received a great deal of jack shit. Couple this with a typical class being her talking far too quickly about poetry and you have a first class trip to Migraine City. So I dropped the course, thus paving my highway to Year Five. Yes, I shall now have to take a fifth year because I happened to pick her course. Real fair. I suppose I can't complain though. I had been considering starting a double major of English and Sociology, this kind of just makes way for that instead. It should be interesting, to say the least.

Other than that, school has been going well. Been passing most of my courses with flying colours and have even been getting some 80s and 90s, a nice contrast to the living hell of last year's four English classes at once. Less burn out this way.

Let's see, what else is happening with school...not too much really that I can remember, other than the fact that my roommates seem to be half decent when they're not irritating the fuck out of me and when I'm not having to go to English Society meetings that I happened to submit myself to (though the luster is long gone from the few moments of insanity that I wielded when I said yes). Oh well, I reap what I sow, what can you do?

Life in general has been going pretty good though. I haven't really been going out and such, the social scene really isn't my thing all that much, but it's all good. I've finally realized that a girlfriend at this point in time would complicate an already planned series of days that I plot out beforehand. Just need to get through school and things can go fine through there. I've also started to worry less about how fast time is moving and I'm focusing more on what I can do once I get out and into the real world. Who knows what'll happen then. This is generally the same attitude I've been having with most things now, trying to keep a relaxed and not altogether worrisome like I used to be. Some things over the last year or two have improved my confidence and standing with myself substantially, so it's been rather fun I'd say.

My writings have still stalled unfortunately, but my ideas never seem to end. I've got thoughts now for another series of books and I'm hoping that I can start writing them soon. Why, you ask, have I been having trouble writing? Simple. I have a Creative Writing course in school that has done little to keep me sane, since the teacher believes that anything he doesn't like is all wrong. Why am I in it? Because it's a mark and it's a 400 level course that I can get a good mark in if I try. That's pretty much the long and short of it. I'm getting to the point where I can do what he says in one class and ignore it the next moment, so it's starting to get to me less at least. Ah well, just have to keep on trucking.

I think that should be enough of a ramble for the moment though, and Merry Christmas all. I've been getting my shopping together pretty quick and I'm hoping that things will turn out well for all of you. Best Wishes and I hope the holidays are wonderful. Have a good one.

Ever present, just not always here,
-The Snakey
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It's been a long time...   
12:59am 21/09/2004
mood: contemplative
It's been an awful long time since last I posted in this journal, over two months in fact, though I fear that even now, after so long, most of what I have to say would be an anticlimatic shift from what might be believed for the reasoning beyond my departure from the usual posting I had once achieved. Once every week or two seemed like a pretty common thing back then, but nowadays, it seems almost like it would be excessive considering. Whether that's because or my personal feelings on things, because I've changed some, or even because I just don't really have much will to do it, that's for others to decide, because I honestly don't know. It's as much a mystery to you as it is to me.

So what has kept me busy for all this time? Quite a few things, as a matter of fact, though none of them all that spectacular or important. Though they could be considered useful to me, but I suppose that is neither here or there, as when I tell about something on here, it is completely useless to most who couldn't care less about what I do during my day anyways. I know that sounds somewhat bitter and a tad cynical, but admit it, how much do you really care about my day to day life and what, exactly, I eat and do during my day? That's right...

Well, let's see, when was the last time I posted...I do believe that was July 9th. Sounds about right, over two months.

My summer was uneventful at best, an inability to take a vacation to see my friends, mixed with the fact that I could not find a job in the hellish town that I have grown up in. This made for a wonderful mix because I was stuck there, on a 56k modem, unable to really think of what to do besides just sit around and do nothing. All will disappeared and I turned into a lazy bastard who did nothing more than watch shitty television and go online. I couldn't even bring myself to write because that would have entailed doing something constructive. One begins to feel a new level of loathing for oneself when you feel like as though it would be too much work to sit down in front of a computer and think about something creative. This isn't to say I've got nothing done, it just feels as though most of my summer was wasted because of the burn out that I had from the end of school. That's right, burn out from school. I felt the same way throughout summer as I did at the end of my second school year, I managed to fuck myself up that badly because of all the crap that I had to do. The burnout basically ended up modifying itself and combining with the laziness, only to form some kind of brand new lack of mobility that seemed to infect me down to the very synapses of my brain. So, yeah, real great summer.

The only real thing that I can say I pulled in from summer would be that my muse was working overtime. I swear, it wanted to kill me, or to get me off my ass finally (something that it did, in fact, manage to get me to do occasionally). Overall though, it was distinctly disappointing, so I'm hoping that I will be able to continue once things from school settle down a bit here from 3rd year that started in September. More about that a little later. I'm still on target for achieving my New Year's resolution (for those of you who actually read this thing, as a reminder, my New Year's resolution was to have a book sent to a publisher by the end of the year). I'll be able to do it, assuming that I can get my ass in gear and get shit done for a change. All I need is time, really...

Other than that, I can think of nothing else that really had much value during the summer. I assisted my mother when she was getting her hip and knee replaced, driving around some daily to get chores and the like done, but other than that, not too much. I didn't really go up to the city much to get books or anything, no games really either. Things have been slow in both of those quadrants lately.

As of September 2nd, I'm officially in my third year of my Bachelor's Degree, something that I'm looking forward to, but at the same time, I fear. The first two years went incredibly fast, and I can only wonder if this second last year will go equally quickly. I mean, this shit is moving really goddamn fast now. I'm 23 years old, it just feels like things are in the next gear, that shit is moving way faster than I had anticipated they would. Hell, I'm the oldest of my roommates (again), I'm older than many in the current classes that I'm a part of, and I'm the only guy who talks in most of my classes, except for my two Senior Level English courses, in which there are 10 people and 4 people. I shit you not, that's the number in each of my classes. It's insane, not to mention I feel like I need to get every sentence of my homework done or I'll be completely fucked (to say the least). So, yeah, the level of responsibility is quite a bit higher now, and I'm worrying myself into a state pretty often because I'm unsure how well my writing style will fit with the new teachers I have. Oh well though, nothing I can do but try, right?

I have, this semester: a philosophy course, a physiology course, an art history course, and two high level Englishes. Next semester, I'll be trading out the Philosophy for History, and the Art History for another Art History course. Oh yeah, it'll be interesting indeed. *slams his head on his desk*

Things have been odd here at the college. I feel as though things are changing for me, modifying themselves without my knowledge. I'm feeling slightly more social now, thanks to my roommates, and yet at the same time, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I should be shying away, staying in my room and making myself scarce. Perhaps I fear the idea of making friends, or getting out and meeting people, or it could be the idea of being accepted as a foreign concept. It's been affecting me a great deal though, both for on and offline. I haven't been as social online and have been speaking to my friends alone for quite a time. It's rather disheartening to be honest, as I do enjoy meeting new people. Perhaps that is something of a catch 22 that I have trouble with...I want to be social and yet it terrifies me into my shell again to do so. Things feel so complex when they really don't have to be. Life goes on I suppose, what can you do?

My roommates, as I mentioned earlier, are all younger than me, some by a great deal. One is 21, drinker, video gamer, with a girlfriend and a friendly personality. The second is 19, bit of a goof but a nice guy nonetheless. The third is 17, a young fellow with a good deal of morality, but not enough to make him stuffy and boring, an anime buff, RPGer, table top and video gamer...all around, someone pretty similar to myself. I think I get along pretty well with all of them, especially the 17 year old fellow. You'd think this would make it much easier to live in here and have fun with them...and yet I still feel this sinking, horrible feeling everytime I speak to them or see them, like it's just a matter of time before I feel a knife in my back for having liked them or even, eventually, trusting them with things like my stuff that I leave outside of my room. Yet again my paranoia makes things difficult for me when it really doesn't have to. Still a work in progress I suppose, something that I thought I had licked...but I suppose our demons can never truly be destroyed, they can only be subjugated and pressed back. A depressing but truthful analogy I believe.

I'm about three weeks into school now, having been living with these individuals for about 20 days now. My sister is actually at college now, living in the next dorm about 50 paces from my front door. She's been making me meals as well, which is a definite bonus. So, I have to end up wondering, what the fuck is my problem?

Let me break this down:
1) My English classes will challenge me and I will enjoy them, despite my fears of my writing ability not being good enough.
2) The other classes I have are enjoyable and I feel as though I have a good grasp in them so far. I hope that this semester will entail a good viewing for me.
3) My roommates are pretty cool and are respectful of me. They don't do any damage to my stuff and are normal enough fellows.
4) My sister isn't far away and she makes me meals, preventing the 'meal in a can' weeks that I had last year when I basically became too lazy to cook.

So, explain to me, why the hell would I be feeling bleak, cynical and jaded over this? A little depressed even. I wish that I could explain myself but, alas, I can't. It just doesn't work. I live, I school, I do what I can to pass the time.

Sometimes life doesn't feel like it's enough. I don't know why this is, but I think everyone has felt it at some point or another: disappointment with how things have gone so far, how things will continue to be...even lamenting the time that has passed, unsure of what you want to do. It happens, unfortunately, and one just has to move on, survive and thrive as best one can.

I'm rambling now though, so I shall end this micro rant soon enough. I believe I have already made myself depressed enough through this.

Perhaps, perhaps, I shall continue to post, but I'm unsure of what I would say. I will simply say that this is the first time I've felt like posting in this journal in over two months, so perhaps this is a good sign, a sign that my creativity returns and my thoughts processes are starting to return to the realm of normality. It could be just as likely, though, that my mind is giving me some leeway to prevent another nervous breakdown, though I suppose that would be the pessimistic view of things.

Anyways, I don't expect anyone has actually read this pile of drivel to this point, but in case you are brave or bored, then I shall commend you and bid thee adieu, and I wish all of you a pleasant night.

Don't Let the Entropy Get You,
-The Snakey

P.S. This journal entry was 1877 words, in case you wanted to know just how long this was.
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Hm, Strange Indeed...   
01:05am 03/07/2004
mood: groggy
Normally I don't post twice in a span of three days, but this caught my eye and was rather interesting to me. In the link below is a few observations I've had about the gaming industry and a few little odd things that I've noticed. Heh, anyone who has played games back way early from Sierra might want to take a look (King's Quest, etc). If it doesn't interest ya, feel free to skip it. Have a pleasant morning.

A Few Little Oddities on the Gaming IndustryCollapse )
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Of Genius and Derangement   
06:50pm 01/07/2004
mood: contemplative
Been a while since I've written in here last, three weeks or so I would imagine, since now it's the beginning of July. I've had a good deal of things happen to me in the last month or so, though some far more important than others, while specific things have a great deal more to do with the mental condition rather than anything tangible in my life. One of the most prominent would be the idea of genius and how it is encompassed in specific people. I'll get to that later though. Right now, perhaps just a few updates on things would be good.

Probably the most important thing is the fact that I have attained my new student loan for the third year of my degree. This year I will be officially enrolled in University rather than College and the cost has changed to show that fact. I have to admit though, the cost (while I believed it high) is still lower than the average community college in the States. I had to wonder how, exactly, people even manage to go to school down there without being extremely wealthy, to say the least. My entire year is less than $5k, not including meals, rent or anything like that, that's just tuition of course. Still though, that's a rather far cry from $8k a year that a couple of my friends had to deal with just by going to a community college. Naturally, the amount of money I have right now is completely invested in school, but coupled with the loan and bursaries, I'll be able to go to school without having to deal with working during the year. Always a distinct plus. So with school set up and ready to go in September, I've been working on the final thing that I need to do for it: a portfolio for my senior level Fiction Writing course. 30 pages of text, double spaced (which would equal out to about 12k words I think). Simple enough stuff really, I think I could do that in a day if I wanted to, but the problem comes with what I want to do. Most of you who read my ramblings when I spout them know that I tend to specialize a bit in Science Fiction and Fantasy, while thinking things like Fiction have a better chance of making me want to hang myself from boredom. One would question why I'm going into a fiction class at all if that was the case, but I think most people know the answer: grades. If I can get a good enough grade on this, then I should do just fine and it would be nice to have a high graded 400 level subject (400 level is high level university to those who have a different system than ours). Maybe multiple stories, I dunno, but I'll figure it out. Either way, things are looking up a bit in that scope. Bout time too. No more of these fucking 4 English Classes in one year deals. I'm not stupid enough to do that again.

It's unfortunate to say that my regular writings haven't recovered all that well unfortunately though. I'm unsure if it's the fact that I have other things to distract me here at home that keeps me from writing, or the laziness I feel in this goddamn heat that has gripped Alberta at this point (to some this might seem rather cool, but 27 degrees Celcius, about 80 F) with air that feels like it should be swam in rather than breathed in, it's been cutting down on the things that I've been wanting to do, to say the least. Well, hopefully things will clear up and I'll get back on my road again to what my goals are. My To Do list isn't getting any shorter, to say the least, so I need to start trying to lessen it through some work.

Finally though, onto the reason for this post, a little stream of consciousness lovingly named for the title of this post. If you feel like reading it, just click below. If not, feel free to skip it.

Of Genius and DerangementCollapse )

Well, that's about it. Have a pleasant evening.

Eternally Present it Seems,
-The Snakey
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01:41am 09/06/2004
mood: contemplative
It's the strangest thing when someone is depressed because it just seems like things shut down, your mind goes blank and you just feel as though you can only drag your feet. Nothing seems to matter, because in one's mind, it just doesn't, no matter how important it actually is. Everyone has dealt with it at one point or another, just soldiering on as most people do.

I've been this way quite a lot lately. I don't really let it get into my day to day speech because, as far as I'm concerned, I would much prefer to hear other people's problems and try to help where I can than tell people what's bothering me. Perhaps that's just my attempt at trying to be less of a pain or it's a thing where I don't feel it's all that important. I don't really know, it's something that I'll probably be thinking on for a long time to come. That, however, is not the focus of this post. That's a different ball of wax altogether.

I've been thinking a great deal about things, what I always seem to do when I'm feeling a little depressed and wanting to try and find some resolution to it. I consider things that could be wrong, what I do wrong and what I could potentially fix. It's unfortunate, though, that these things that I think need fixing actually don't and I end up causing more of a debacle than anything I could have done just by being myself. For instance, irritating an individual by trying to apologize or explain things away when I think they may need explaining (and most of the time, they don't). When I feel that maybe someone might be losing interest in being my friend (hell, even just when I talk to them on a regular basis) I end up smothering them or something like that. When I think things are going badly, I get paranoid.

With all of these things, I have been fighting for a long while. Years now actually, with some success, but a good deal of failures too. I know for a fact that I have irritated people in the past with this, to the point of frustration. I'd say I apologize, but I've done that so much that it's basically become something that's a part of that very irritation. Most of the people I've done this with, I'd hope that it wasn't too late to recover, but my hopes wouldn't be high on it. To be blunt, the fact that I act this way should be something of a telltale in whether I deserve to keep these good friends or not. I can just push on and hope that these problems won't hurt things worse and that I can fix them.

I've no doubt in my mind that I need to fix this. Inferiority complex, paranoia, worrying about piddly little details that don't matter, if I continue this it'll just end up crushing me. Make me a gibbering insecure idiot or something.

A friend of mine recently said, "Don't try so hard." The words bear more truth than just about anything really. I try so hard when I don't need to, I try so hard to make and keep a friend when someone is already my friend. I end up acting clingy and irritating instead. My idea of friendship, though it should have been clearer to me as I was growing up, is obviously not quite right. My idea of a best friend...it just seems awkward now. Trying too hard, basically, and I end up alienating the individual in question. It hurts to do that, obviously, but it seems to happen anyways.

Heh, that can be my mid year resolution maybe, trying to calm my ass down a little for a change and just relax.

Eh, anyways, I'm out. Have a good night.

Considering the Future,
-The Snakey

P.S.: I HATE it when I'm mentally blocked yet I still have creative thoughts flowing. My muse is a spiteful spiteful individual.
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Couple of Mini Movie Reviews...   
02:01am 29/05/2004
mood: tired
I'm rather tired presently, but I wanted to give a quick writing about this before I slept and it left my brain. We went to see a pair of movies tonight, Shrek 2 and The Day After Tomorrow. I was far from disappointed with both. They were excellent movies and I'm waiting for them to come on video so I can buy them both. Don't worry, I won't give any spoilers.

Shrek 2 is pretty self explanitory. The voice acting was great, the animation was damn cool, and everything about it was as good or better than the first one. I swear though, I was laughing harder with this one than I was with the first. I swear though, Antonio Banderas did an awesome job and was hilarious as the voice of Puss in Boots. Definitely one to watch in theatre.

The Day After Tomorrow was unbelievable. To me, it stood well above the other apocalyptic style movies in that it didn't have like an hour and a half of build up, then ten minutes of disaster and destruction. Frankly, if you're going to a movie like that, you're going to see shit get destroyed, simple as that. This seriously does NOT disappoint in that regard, while still keeping a damn good idea of characters and the like. It's one of those movies that's great to see in theatre because it's awesome seeing this kind of thing on the big screen.

Both of them are worth checking out, so I'd definitely say go see them. I don't think anyone would be disappointed.

Sleep Time Now,
-The Snakey
More Ramblings...   
06:39pm 27/05/2004
mood: blah
Eh, nine days or so since my last update and yet I haven't really had a great deal happen to me in the last while. I could talk about all the things I've done, but alas, I've done little, either in life or in my writings. The 'things' are boring as shit since nothing ever changes around here. As disturbing as this sounds, it's accurate beyond what most people can imagine.

Think, if you will, about a town of around 850 people. It's a little town, in the middle of Alberta, quite literally in the centre of no where. Surrounded by wheat fields, pseudo-forests and feed lots with hundreds or thousands of cattle, this is what the scenery is like here on the prairies. Do I lament the fact that I grew up in this? Not really, because if I hadn't, I'm sure I would have found something besides computers to keep me entertained, thereby having completely eradicated my being online nowadays. This is something that I would have distinctly regretted because I have met a great deal of my friends online, most of the people whom I care a great deal about in fact. I digress though.

See, in the 23 years that I have been alive, this town has not changed in the least. I'm being quite serious. Everything is exactly the same as it was 23 years ago. I remember all these things from when I was about 8 years old and, according to my parents, this was true even from the day I was born. Few people have moved here, even fewer have moved away. All the same businesses run by all the same people in the same fashion. What's even stranger is that nobody really looks any older, while the younger folks are definitely starting to show their age. All the ones who graduated and stuck around, never amounting to very much. It's a wonder and makes me question if it's like this with other people's hometowns, whether they just don't recognize it while its happening or what. Either way, it seems pretty bloody strange to me.

My hopes had been that things would be more productive here for me, but unfortunately, this has been far from accurate. My days seem to be spent more often in a steady state of exhaustion that never quite seems to go away. This could be me, something I'm doing or eating...or not eating enough for that matter, but it doesn't seem to be that really. I feel good somedays, not so good in others, but I've always got this inclination to write, yet I honestly can't seem to bring myself to actually do so. I could, I'm not blocked at all, and I have all the ideas in my head (in fact, I seem to be gaining more by the day thanks to my evil muse that is trying to overload my brain). Perhaps that IS the problem though, I'm overloaded and pulled in so many directions that I just end up getting nowhere. If this is the case, then I need to start focusing more or I'll just end up with more problems. The other thing I can think of is a residual burnout leftover from school.

During the second semester, I was worrying enough to nearly get ulcers. This is a problem I have unfortunately...something that I can't easily defeat. I'm the type of individual who obsessively worries about things even when its completely and utterly irrational. I've been making progress, but things like this have a nasty habit of coming back just when you least expect it. To say 'damn my mind' might be accurate considering. Who doesn't have a few mental twinges or problems, but most of the time they don't affect anyone enough to actually be worth taking the time to consider. I think that's my goal and I've been doing decently well with that. Just have to continue as best I can I suppose.

As of this moment, I have well over 20 ideas now that I wish to turn into novels. This is well and good, save for the fact that they are pulling me in many directions, ideas for characters, ideas, plotlines, the whole works. I dunno what to think right now, as my mind is in a jumble and I've had a perpetual headache for two days now. In that vein, I think I shall hold my tongue and go relax for a while. I realize this was little more than ranting about my creative block and the way this town sucks, but they can't all sound like pseudo-philosophical, nihilistic, existentialist ranting. My apologies. ;)

Headaches suck so very much,
-The Snakey

EDIT: It's also of some note (to some anyways) that Snakey.org will no longer exist as of June 1st, 2004. I have presently placed a splash page up on it and have deleted pretty much everything off of it (web page and stories specifically). All of my emails from it are now gone, so if anyone has any reason to email me, please feel free to look at the Info section of his LiveJournal for my email. It's been a pleasure and I hope that you enjoyed my stories while they were up.
THIS is what happens...   
06:15pm 18/05/2004
mood: happy
Been a pretty long time since I posted last and, to be honest, since my last post I haven't really even given a look at my journal. My bad, but not a huge deal really, since it's not like people read the ranting bullshit I post anyways. ;) Today won't be all that different, so I'll probably be starting this post off with a nice rant that just came to me, then maybe complete it with an update on my life. Sound okay? Good good.

Of course, if you wish to skip the rant, please just continue past the Rant Link.

Rant LinkCollapse )

Enough with the pointless rant though. :) It's the middle of May and things are going pretty decently for me. Unfortunately, I don't have a job for the moment, but I'm now registered with school, have a decent amount of money left over from my student loan from last year (most of which will go toward my schooling this year), and I'm generally over my burn out from school. It took a hellish amount of time to try and recover, but school just manages that real well. I've been working on quite a few things lately, trying to get shit in order for my stories and I think things are proceeding well. I'm hoping that by the end of May I'll have most of the editing done on one of my novels and I should be able to send it off to a publisher. Here's hoping anyways. In the meantime though, I've been working on other stuff, getting ready for other projects of writing and also attempting to get into a writing course for college for third year. One of the prerequisites is 30 pages of text, total story stuff. This shouldn't be a big problem, but one of the real drawbacks with writing plain fiction is that, frankly, it can be pretty goddamn boring, to say the least. It's fine and all, but there are far more exciting things to write out there than that.

I think what I've been finding odd lately is I've actually been having some pretty severe delusions of grandeur. This isn't a bad thing, but when I sit back and I think about things, all the goals I would like to achieve and what I wish I could do, I start to think about story ideas and the like, adding to my already too large pile of things that I want to do. I've got a couple more goals tacked onto my all time goals to perform in my lifetime though. It looks like this now for the most part:

1. Get a Novel Published
2. Write a Screenplay for a Movie Based on Ideas of Myself and Others with me. (NEW!)
3. Get a job in writing for a TV Series/Movie (NEW!)
4. Work with People on an Animated Series Based on Ideas of Myself and Others with me. (NEW!)

Originally, only the first one existed, as I managed my previous one by going to college and by finishing my first novel when I was 15. I also finished another of them by presently performing my rewrite on that particular novel. I've been published in a magazine or two (a short story), but I'm going to be working toward getting another one published eventually when I can. For the most part, I think I've been trying to keep my goals to things that I could achieve within the next few years of my life, but that appears to have taken a bit of a backseat to the overall desires that I have. I mean, it isn't a bad thing by far, I'd really enjoy working on all those things. Who knows what'll happen really though? I'm really looking forward to trying more things in the future though, trying to expand my horizons and attempting to succeed in all the things I want to do. For now though, my largest is just getting that novel published. As for the remainder, well, just have to see what I can do.

I will admit, completely, that one of the things that brought up that want to work on an animated series of my choosing was the fact that in recent times, there was a short movie called Ghost Warrior.


I've no doubt that many of you have seen this, but for those of you who haven't, I would highly recommend that you look into it. The trailer is worth the download, trust me. What is particular special to me though about this movie is the challenge that the person who made it performed. Look at the trailer and the screenshots, think about what you like about it and what you think of the graphics. Then consider the fact that the entire thing was made in 6 months by one man. I found this rather hard to believe at first, but that was what most of the hype was about. On two consumer grade computers, this guy made a 22 minute, Hollywood level quality short movie, from the middle of nowhere in Alaska, in a cabin. Why would this intrigue me and give me ideas like that? Well, it's simple really.

What this tells me is that my dream of being a part of something like that might not be as far fetched as I once considered it to be. I have no artistic skills in the least, nor do I have any skills with animation. There are many people who do though; people who aren't working or are having trouble finding jobs in the industry. Now consider having twelve to fifteen of these people, from all over the place to less, who are willing to assist in the creation of something like that. Salaries for that many people would be manageable by profits for a movie. And if one man can make that much in 6 months by himself, then imagine what 15 people, all trained in the same type of animation with the same skill level, could do. The fact that one man did 22 minutes in 6 months, it would also take a hell of a lot less time with more people working on it as well (assuming they worked well together, etc). This gives me hope that all the cartoons that I've wanted so badly, all the characters whom I've wanted to see, showing up on a TV...well, that's something that would put a permanent smile on my face. The possibilities exist now, for things like that, it's just a matter overall of getting an opportunity to do something in that scope. The door is more or less opened now, people just have to see what they can do about stepping through it and making all the beautiful things that they've wanted to. I'd recommend going to that site and reading the 'Challenge' section of it. It explains things better than I can.

Perhaps its these new thoughts, these odd feelings of happiness and hope for the future that are making me seem a little more content with things nowadays. Perhaps its just the fact that I still have 3.5 months off of school. Who knows really? What I do know for certain, though, is that I've been rather happy lately, far more than months before, and I'm thinking that I can keep it up. I just have to keep my chin up and maybe things'll turn out good. One never really knows.

Bouncey and happy for a change,
-The Snakey
Mutterings Abound...   
03:34pm 27/04/2004
mood: thoughtful
Greetings and salutations.

It's been a long while since I've posted last, I don't really remember how long. I just know that it's been quite a while now. Perhaps two weeks or so, because I know I posted right before my finals last. I could check easily enough, but, I don't want to right now, since I'm actually writing this offline.

Offline, meaning that I'm back home now at my parent's place. Back stuck on a modem again, 56k once more from the cable modem. I'm having LPB withdrawal but what can ya do eh? I'll get used to it again and I'll be getting back on high speed by the time I get back to the dorms in August. Until then though, I'm going to see what I can do about relaxing since I'm at home now. I'm actually able to sleep beyond like 8 or 9 am for a change. It's rather nice overall. Four months off, whatever shall I do with my time? I've got a good idea or two, I just have to get motivated to do things again. Unfortunately, I'm still in school mode, which in itself is a problem in that I still feel burnt out. I get up in the morning and my first thought is, "What if I'm late for class?" I should know better by now, since I'm not even sleeping in the dorms, but a full school year will change your method of thinking, to say the least. I'm just glad that there is no class to go to right now, because I don't think I would survive it if there were. I was torched by the end of finals, completely and utterly. My mind barely functioned and I could hardly even think. It was tough, because of my class choices, but I survived.

Four English classes in one semester. Let me tell you that that was the single dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Literally, the single dumbest. I don't think I can even comprehend doing something like this again. I thought that I would be able to handle it, but unfortunately, it didn't quite work out that way. In actual fact, these classes will constitute my worst marks since arriving at college two years prior. Unfortunately, this was also one of the most important semesters for getting into my third year, which is university, so I guess I'll see what happens. I know that not all of my courses went as well as thought, and some went better than thought. It's hard to tell really, but I guess I've got a couple more days until the marks are settled and in. I'm just praying that things will be okay. I really don't need to have to make up an entire semester or two because of my own stupidity. Patience has not been one of my virtues lately unfortunately, it's just not something that I've been able to keep very well. It's getting better now that school is over, but unfortunately, it's just not working right. I'm tired, sick and am finally starting to recover from the sheer amount of burn out I was having to deal with. This is, by far, the least fun I've ever had in school to date, because of my own bad choices. It's live and learn, always, but it always hurts when you go through and something less reversible happens because of it. I guess it's like my parents said, "You're not going to disappoint us, so as long as you're trying your hardest, then it's all good. Just do what you can." I was somewhat surprised by this reaction, but I must say that I seriously underestimated them. I expected more disappointment, yet there was none. Looks like I've got more to learn than I figured.

I'm moved home now though, as I said, so I'm back at my parent's place in the middle of nowhere. I actually managed to get a job interview as well, surprisingly enough. This is something that I didn't expect in the least because this town is literally about 850 people total. There is jack shit here, most of the population working at the local power plant (which is where the interview was held). If I do manage to get the job, that's about 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday, until August. I was pretty pleased by this, to say the least, though I have to admit that I'm hoping my sister gets the job instead of me (she also tried for it). If she does, then I can relax for most of the summer and be able to work on my personal projects instead of just working the whole time. That's lazy thinking, I know, but at this point I really just don't care. If I get it, great. If not, fine as well. Either way, it'll be benefiting me. I think I did pretty well in it overall, because they were nodding their approval quite a bit. I don't have a clue what'll happen though. I'm pretty certain that if I don't get the job, then it'll be someone else who is better qualified. I think I have a good shot at it though.

I have to admit that, lately, things have changed for me. In real life, I've been eating more and different stuff and being around online less, actually participating in more activities. I've also been going outside more often than not, which is very odd for me as many of you would know. I'll admit fully that all the outside fresh air I used to get was when I was taking walks after dark. I went weeks with the only sun I saw being through the occasional window at the school. Now, the sun is up, I'm going outside and taking walks. It's the strangest thing, to say the least. Well, maybe strange for those addicted to online as I am, but strangely normal for those who see me in real life (parents, etc). Online, as well, things have been far different. Most of my old haunts haven't had the same luster to them as they once did and I haven't gone to some of them in months. I don't know whether to think this is because of something newfound within me or that it just doesn't have the spark that it once did for me. It could be either really, I don't really know, but I just realize that I've been hanging around them less and contemplating more on things like my personal projects. My projects have, admittedly, suffered over the last while (as far back as the last two or three years even), and I haven't been giving them the attention that they deserve. This is my fault obviously and is something that I've been doing my best to remedy. Unfortunately, due to the burn out that I'm still feeling, the writing has been slow.

One of the big things lately has been just that, my writings. I've been getting more and more ideas, my muse continuing to try and kill me. I'm up to over twenty ideas that I want to make into novels eventually, with a multitude of others that I want to make either into fan novels for my favourite backgrounds or short stories that I'd like to produce and, perhaps, send to magazines (with any luck). I know that my writing is still there, I know that I'm not even blocked, but I do know that my burn out is contributing to not writing right now. I'm hoping that it'll be gone soon enough and I can really buckle down and start producing fast. If I can do that, then I should be able to produce a couple novels in the span of this summer. Hell, I can still write about 2000 words an hour when I'm going average speed, so I'm thinking that a novel wouldn't be too far out of reach. With any luck, that'll clear up and in the next while I can do some more.

It's odd to think that things have changed like they have in my life. Later in 2003 things really turned around on me. Instead of pinning myself down with only a few things, I've literally opened up my options to just about anything and everything that I want to do. I feel rather free and open now (despite the burn out), as though I could move worlds. It's the strangest feeling, though I have to wonder how many others have felt that same way?

Unfortunately, I won't have anywhere to post my future works as of mid to the end of May, since my page will be going down. I've not got the money to keep it up, so it has to go really. I need the money for school and food right now, so I'll have to see what I can do about getting a hold of some web space somewhere with a friend or a free place until I can get a hold of some more cash for another domain and hosting. I'm not real upset about it or anything though, as it'll give me time to completely redo my page as well.

Well, despite the fact that there is more to say, I think I'll leave this post as it stands, since it's grown to be this long as it stands. I wish all of you a good day (whoever actually read to the end of this) and I hope that you feel good during your summer!

Eternally Present,
-The Snakey

Well, it's about 9 pm on the 28th right now and I just received all of my marks from my teachers (finally). It turns out that I did better than I originally anticipated, which thrills me to no end. I never thought I'd be happy getting C's in two of my classes, but when comparing them to the fact that I worked my ass off and still believed that I was going to fail, I'm pretty happy with that, to say the least. Turns out my GPA for the semester was pretty low, but overall, I'll be doing about 2.9 going into the third year, which is actual university. This is going to be a challenge, to say the least, but I'm still moving with the lowest mark overall being a C, something that I can be fairly happy with. I think that'll still give me a ranking of good standing, considering that still puts me in the B/B- range overall. Woo! I got an A- in Sociology, and in my English courses a B-, a C+, and two Cs. Not the greatest marks, but I was stupid and took FOUR English classes at once. Never again will I do something so utterly retarded. That's it for now! Later!
     Read 3 - Post
My Brain is Going to Rupture...   
07:31pm 13/04/2004
mood: aggravated
I don't really know how long its been since I've written in this thing last. Maybe the 3rd or something, I don't remember, but oh well, not that big of a deal really. There are bigger fish to fry right now than to be just sitting around procrastinating. So, you ask, what the hell am I writing this for? Well, I shall tell you.

You see, I have been studying for my final, which is tomorrow at 9 am, which is approximately 13 and a half hours from this particular moment. Now, this isn't my biggest final by far, because I've had other things that are more important that need to be fulfilled at the particular moment in time. I think this one is worth about 12.5% of my report card mark, which is fine. I've got some things that I need to study, need to look over my terms and read my poems again for it (yes, it's the final for my poetry course). Well, one of my poetry courses anyways. I'm presently taking two, one of which I haven't been doing so well on. Ah well, I'll work my ass off, the worst case scenario would be that I get a D or (if I have an anurysm during the final), an F.

Normally, these things would worry me. To an extent, they do worry me, because if that's the case, then I'll have wasted half a year on a course. I don't think that I'll fail, but I don't want to take the chance either. I can only get 2 Ds in my Bachelors Degree and I would prefer not to have to deal with retaking them so that I can eliminate the lower marks. It's not so much an 'end of the world' thing as it is a 'pain in the ass, waste of my fucking time' thing. So I've been working pretty hard so that I don't get fucked into having to deal with these things again for another year. That would be the last thing I'd want.

You can probably tell by the vehement vocalizations I'm presently giving that I'm displeased with my performance in school during this semester. My GPA is going to drop like a rock because I got burnt out. I was stupid because I took too many English courses at once and now I'm paying the price. Such is the cost of stupidity. What's done is done though and I'm doing my best to fix the mess that I've made of my courses to date. With any luck I'll do well enough to get Cs all across the board. This is assuming, of course, that I can nail these final things to the wall properly. Either way, what's done is done. I've been worrying about these for a while now and I'm continuing to do so as we speak. I've basically become a recluse, hardly even talking to the people who are important to me. This is bad because it makes me cut ties that I've had for a long time that are sometimes just as difficult to repair after I finally get normal again. Becoming a psuedo-hermit around these times is never good, and I know this, yet I do it anyways. I've got a fucked up sense of things I guess.

One of my teachers, who I was having a drink with last week, was telling me something that seems to be sticking into my mind rather forcefully. It's like I'm having trouble trying to wrap my head around it properly because right now, to my present way of thinking, it seems so alien. We were talking and I told him that this semester, my GPA would likely be dropping rather substantially. He took a sip of his beer and nodded a bit, then said, "And have you learned anything this year in your classes?" Naturally, I said yes, because I have. I've taken something out of each of my classes really, knowledge that I didn't have before. His response baffled me and was something that I never actually thought I'd hear a teacher say. He said, "Then that's all you needed. There's a difference between learning something and your GPA." It makes sense, his words, because I think he hit the nail right on the head with his statement. What IS a GPA beyond a few numbers that are an average of your course performance? Nothing. They're numbers. But it is what you take out of the classes that helps you in the long run, that causes you to have those extra things that you want and need in your life. School teaches you things and despite maybe not getting perfect on your tests or essay scores, you still take something with you that you'll never forget. This is what learning is, the testing and essays are just arbitrary bullshit. They need a gauge on how things work and how well your mind works. That's one of the big reasons why I don't think finals are all that useful. Cramming your mind full of all the facts you learned over the year does little more than cause a massive jumble that nothing useful will come out of. Would I be listened to about this? Sure, depending on your position. A student would say yes for the most part, with no doubt some people saying they're needed, while the teachers would generally say they're useful for telling how much someone learned over the year, which is a statement of false logic, since no one can remember everything. They seem to forget that we're not computers.

For the most part, I'm worrying about all my finals because some of my classes I've not been doing so well in. I only have one class this semester that I've been doing well in and that was Sociology. I did well in that because there were tests are specific intervals throughout the year. This is rather helpful because I can do better that way. Two of the courses that I took THIS semester have two essays that count for a rather substantial portion of one's mark. This, in my thoughts, is utter bullshit because it just makes you falter early on since the teachers NEVER fucking tell you what they WANT on their initial essay. They always just fuck you up and they never really understand this. I don't think they're capable of understanding it really. They just do their jobs.

I feel a little tired, but that's okay. I'm not going to be sleeping tonight because I'm going to be studying all night. This is why I slept until like 1 pm today. I needed to get the extra time so that I could stay up without losing any of my sharpness by 9 am, when the test comes. Then I sleep when I get back, then study more for the finals that are on the 16th and 17th.

No matter how this is sliced, this is going to fucking suck. Unfortunately, that's life.

Going Completely Insane,
-The Snakey
The Weekend   
02:23am 03/04/2004
mood: amused
Ahh, the weekend is upon us. The sun is often shining (though I don't often see it, preferring to venture outside in the peace of the darkness instead), the birds are out and about, the squirrel that seems to own the courtyard in the middle of the college is running around again. It appears that Spring is here once again, after such a dismal winter. I'm not sure about other people, but even though that winter wasn't nearly as cold as ones from the past, that still seemed like one of the bleakest ones I've ever had to deal with. There was something about it, I don't know what, that just made it border on hellish. Perhaps I'm just imagining things really.

Unfortunately, this weekend is far from relaxing, as I have 4 term projects to do before Wednesday and Thursday of next week. As these only require in the neighbourhood of between 1500 and 2500 words averaged between them, I think I should be able to knock them off pretty fast. It's not like I'm going to be working on them straight for an entire day or anything, but given 5 or 6 days that I have, I think that's plenty of time. Hell, I could produce a paper that would get a B or so about two hours before class, I can only imagine that relaxing and doing so at a pace days before its due would only serve to make it better. Guess we'll see. Of the four, there's two that will be rather painful while the others aren't quite so bad. Unfortunately, the bad ones are due much sooner than later, so I need to get them done first. Short Story, British Romantic Period, Literary Theory and then Poetry. Could you possibly find four subjects that are further apart from each other? Well, yes, most likely...

Perhaps its the fact that I see green on the ground again when I look out my window, a few leaves growing on the tree in the little yard outside between the residence buildings. Also, it could be the fact that when I look up to the sky at night, I actually see stars now instead of the ever present cover of clouds that seems to pervade every winter day here. Both of these things, or maybe something else, has made me feel surprisingly good and hopeful lately. A month ago, I felt like my mind was going to snap and that I could kill at any moment. Now I'm smiling and laughing, as weird as that sounds. I'm even starting to get inspired again for my writings. I'm hoping that once school is done I'll be able to start producing my works again at a decent pace. I'm still on target too for my New Years Resolution of getting a story to a publisher before the end of the year. All I need to do is get my ass editing on my previous novel and toss it to a Sci Fi publisher. I'm not expecting miracles of course, but sent is sent. That's always the first step. If you don't make that leap of faith then you'll never get off the ground.

Much budgetting aside, there will be many things I have to do for next year because it turns out that my University tuition (as mentioned in a previous post) will be much higher than this year. Basically, most of my hope stems on getting a larger student loan than this year, otherwise I'll have to do away with little expenses...like eating. And I'm not kidding, if I don't get the bigger loan, I won't even be able to afford to feed myself. That's something that I would prefer not to have to deal with, since I'm already skinny as hell and I need my nourishment. People already seem to think that I'm anorexic, I don't want that image to stick, thank you very much. Hopefully though, all things will work out. Fate has this tendancy of getting things to even out, so I don't think I'm all that worried right now. I'll worry more when it becomes more of a problem. Mental note to check with the administration about my Dorm status and if everything is all go.

Who knows, maybe I'll even get back to reading again this summer. I mean, I haven't really read my books in a long time and they're starting to pile up on me. At present count, I have approximately 16 books to read, all about 300 pages or so. About 4800 pages according to that little calculation that is probably inaccurate. Quite a few, to say the least, but I shall work on that eventually. I think writing my own stuff is a little more important though. Trying to dent my fucking To Do list of stories is like trying to channel a river using flimsy cardboard, it's just not working worth a damn. Each time I set something up and organize it, I get more ideas and I have to reorganize further. As well, guess it's better than no ideas, but I swear, my brain is about to explode. I'm getting so many ideas that I think my muse is trying to subtlely kill me.

Tomorrow I shall continue my backups and try to get all my important stuff off of this computer. It's been acting weird, so I think I'll just up and reformat it once I move home. This thing has been a little work horse, to say the least. 3.5 years old now and still has most of its same original pieces. Hell, I only have to replace the $8 keyboard last year and the $5 mouse died about 6 months ago. It's also on its second power supply, but the fan has all but stopped working now, since I have to start it with a pen lid every time I turn it off now. Rather annoying. It's been 2.5 years since I've reformatted this thing and probably a year since I've even defragged. This is probably due to laziness and not wanting to wait like 6 hours for Windows to use its internal defragger. God, I hate that program.

If you're actually still reading to this point, than I congratulate you, because god knows I'm typing this and I realize that I wouldn't have read this far. It's okay if you did though, cause that makes me feel all happy and stuff. Yes, I'm tired and am not real conscious right now, but I figured, what the hey. Just watch, I'll be thinking I'm acting like a crazy old kook in this post and people still won't be able to tell the difference from all my other posts. That would so figure. Anyways! The bed is looking pretty good right now and I have to go to the bank tomorrow, so I think I shall be taking my leave of you good readers. Farewell and adieu!

Getting Crazier by the Day,
-The Snakey

P.S. EDIT: I wrote this entire post in 24 minutes. This post is 1,168 words. Calculating that out as an hour for an hour if I continued at that pace, I would have made 2,920 words in one hour. I'm happy with that speed.
Times a' Tickin'!   
11:08pm 31/03/2004
mood: content
Well, I'll be damned. I never thought that the time would ever come but, rest assured, here it is. Big as day and probably one of the most important times of the year for students and others alike. Vacation.

Yes, there's only six days remaining in the school year, not including finals of course, and it seems that things are just piling up for that final push to the end of the year. Personally, I have multiple assignments, four term papers, and five finals to do, which will all be finished by late on the 21st. Which means that for me, I have 21 days remaining exactly, since it's about 11:00 here right now and soon enough it will be midnight. I know that some people will be getting off earlier than I while others still have close to a month to go...some even have, god forbid, two months or so. This would probably drive me even more insane than I already am if it wasn't for the fact that the end of Year 2 of my schooling was so close. I'll admit, my marks aren't as high as I would like them. I've had some pretty shitty marks over the year that I am regretting now, but I did stupid things as well. The worst of these would be the fact that I took 4 300 level English classes this term, something that even the English teachers think I'm utterly fucking insane for doing. It's not a good thing when you tell that to an English teacher and they literally wince. Perhaps that would be something good to rethink if I ever became that fucking nuts again.

Overall though, yesterday I was on the verge of total and utter panic. I was to the point where I was in a state of mild hyperventilation for hours on end, thoughts of doom and distress plodding about in my mind as I thought about possibilities of failure, that I could have to take a fifth year because I could fuck things up bad enough. If I work it right on these final term papers, I should do well enough to keep away from the lower end of the grade spectrum in most of my subjects and with any luck my GPA won't be too heavily damaged. I'll likely go down below a 3.0, but that can't really be helped unfortunately. For the last three terms before this one, I've managed to keep a steady 3.13 GPA (which, for those who aren't in college or are in other countries, that generally means between a B and B+ average). It's fine I suppose, I've managed to get past my older brother and older sister's GPAs by about 0.7 and 0.5 respectively.

I think it's extremely ironic though that despite getting higher marks than them, I'm going to basically be making much less money than either of them. And the government and such actually wonder why more people are going into the trades. Pfft.

For a change, I'm actually feeling rather satiated and even a little happy tonight, oddly enough. Even the stress levels have gone down a bit from my extreme worry that tends to be a part of me most of my day. It's nice, I should try to do this more often.

Anyways, this is going to be a short entry (compared to my usual ones anyways) because I have homework to work on. Have a good one!

Schoolwork Sucks,
-The Snakey
     Read 1 - Post
I Felt the Need...   
10:13am 29/03/2004
mood: amused
Yeah, yeah, I know, being a part of this chart thing isn't really much of a point, but hey, least it's fun right? Besides, I didn't have a clue I'd have numbers that high. Woo, I don't feel so alone anymore! ;)

drakenhart 106%
natsaih 102%
jalen_dragon 100%
redwaltz 100%
apollotiger 98%
shinigamigirl 98%
afurinwales 97%
wendigowolf 97%
bulletwolf 95%
kristina_hall 95%
mokele 91%
afurinwales 90%
judsus 89%
indnraindancer 88%
melskunk 88%
How compatible with me are YOU?
     Read 3 - Post
11:46pm 24/03/2004
mood: discontent
I had considered going out for a nice long walk, feeling the breeze running over my face and taking in the chill of the night. For a change, we're having a night that isn't below zero, a nice sign that spring is no doubt upon us up here. Unfortunately though, this is yet another starless night, the clouds having completely consumed the little flickers that lay overhead, complete with that taunting glow that comes with the moon being behind some clouds that seems to light up the sky and bathe everything in its light despite being covered. While it gives light, it seems so bleak. Don't ask me why, it's just a natural reaction I have to it. I love looking at the stars, they really make me relax when I can just lean back and gaze up at them

I can't much explain the snow that other people far snow of us are getting despite the fact that it's warm up here, but I can only attribute that to the really fucked up weather patterns that have been appearing over the last few years. What can I say, things are getting pretty messed up environmentally. The fact that it's warm now though instead of in May like when I was younger is definitely saying something though. When I was a child, March was a time when we would be buried under massive snowfalls still, where the average would be two feet of snow on the ground at any one time. Ah, reminiscing...it was usually pretty fun. Now though, we're getting much smaller winters. A good thing in that I dislike winter severely and bad as well in that it shows that the climate seems to get getting stranger, that things are warming up a bit here moreso than when I was a child no more than 15 years ago. It's rather strange all around I think, but what can you do really?

Things have been odd lately, though not too bad. The final rush of school is still upon me, crushing me with assignments and the looming idea of finals nipping at my heels. I've got five of them this semester, which is unfortunate because I have three of them in two days, with the others early and late. Not a horrid schedule, but bad enough, especially considering how burnt out I'm going to be after all my assignments are done. I've got four term projects to do, two of which require a series of five or more sources that will be difficult to find while the others require fewer sources but are with teachers who are a bit more strict. So I've basically got my work cut out for me if I want to pass this semester with more than a C average, which would basically send me to long bouts of drinking out of depression. I really hate getting 'average' marks, which is what a C is considered up here. A C is basically around 65%...which sucks in my opinion. I prefer Bs, which actually make me feel like I'm doing well. Up until this semester, I've also managed to hold a GPA that is above 3 too, which will no doubt be ravaged and destroyed by this semester's marks. Not exactly the most promising thinking, but I'm trudging on and hoping for the best. It's hilarious, you know, that you basically pay schools to give you a massive source of worrying and stress in your life. You pay them to stress you out...

I'll admit, school lately has set me back emotionally, to say the least. Recently, I've been second guessing most of my abilities in just about everything I do, wondering if somehow I've just become a lazy ass who needs to get his shit together. I think this is the case unfortunately, so I definitely need to shape up. A problem that comes with this though is that I start to second guess absolutely everything in my life, making me wonder about things that are absurd to worry about really. Two of the largest ones came with my friendships I have and the writings I create. Both of these things are considered fairly important to me and second guessing them seems rather...creepy almost.

I ask myself what a friend truly is and I find that I can't grasp the answer. It's so out there and unable to be defined that I really just contemplate to no end. A while back, I was always used to the definition that a friend was something that you hung around with, as much as you could, and that you did things for the friend to show that you were a friend in return, also as much as possible. While many people don't mind this at all, there have been problems with that as well, complete with claims that shatter any attempt at trying to rationalize the idea of just being around the person a lot. So for the last year or two, I've worked under the assumption that the term 'friend' is malleable and changes with each individual. Two people can hit it off while others can be mere acquintances despite knowing each other for years. Does this make things harder? Yes, I think it does, but whatever happens, happens, there's no real way to prevent it. Lately though, I've thought a lot about my friends, people whom I talk to often and those who I haven't in a long time. I think about who would forget who I am if I didn't talk to them for a month or who would never forget me. People talk about the concept of a true friend and I believe in it wholly. It makes me ponder how often one does meet a true friend?

My writings are a whole other beast. I write both long and short fiction, assorted genres and styles that I change depending on the feel of the work. I haven't written much in the last while, something that has spooked me a bit, wondering if perhaps I've lost my touch. School could be the culprit, definitely, because lately I couldn't even consider creative writing with the looming deadlines hanging over my head. It's just not something one thinks about normally. Work before pleasure, as it always tends to be said. Is it possible, though, to do so much work that one forgets how the pleasure part works? Can one do schoolwork for so long that you get sick of doing other things, turning apathetic? It actually scares me to think of losing my ability to write and not being able to think of things. It terrifies me to think that eventually my imagination may fade and disappear if I don't use it enough. The last thing I would want is to end up like someone who couldn't have a creative thought if his life depended on it. I know that one cannot lose talent, but if the talent becomes overshadowed and unpracticed, what happens then?

I'm not sure what to think right now, I'm unsure about just about everything at this point, save for the fact that I'm only two weeks away from the end of school, the end of my second year in college, and that time is wasting. I need to get things done or I'll be up shit's creek, to say the least. I'll have to see what happens once school is out and this utter burnout sensation finally departs. Bye for now and talk to yas later.

Burnt out and holding on,
-The Snakey
"Would ya like to take a suuur-vey?"   
04:26pm 23/03/2004
  God, I think that quote is from Tiny Toons, though I don't remember specifically.

Anyways, a friend of mine for a school research project has created a survey about Internet Use and Addiction. She needs to get plenty of responses, so feel free to take a little time out and fill it out! It only takes about five minutes and it goes toward my friend's research.

Feel free to link this on your own LiveJournals as well. Thanks much!

The survey was constructed by KristinaHall
and is for a legitmate research paper.

Go fill out the survey!

     Read 5 - Post
Time for a New Rant...   
10:17am 19/03/2004
mood: angry
I'm irritated enough right now that I think I could spit nails and eat glass if I really decided to try and do so. Why, you ask, am I angry? What has me riled to the point where I could break something and actually feel good about it? Well, I think the answer to this is obvious, but since none of you are inside my head, I should explain. This amounts to: school and money. Yup, the old argument, the poor broke student cliche that, surprise surprise, is turning more and more fucking real every goddamn DAY.

See, I have a little dilemma now. I've been scrimping and saving my student loan to maximize the amount that I would be able to have at the beginning of next year for my new school year. This coming up is 'special' because I will officially be a university student at this point, not just a 2nd year College person. Naturally though, they think that this is a reason to slam you down on the table and fuck you over with an OBSCENE number and amount of bills to pay. Check out these numbers:

Tuition: $2400 per semester, equalling out to about $4800.
Rent for Dorms: $300 per month, which equals out to $2700 over the course of the school year.
Books: They tell me to set aside $1000 for books. A THOUSAND...
Bills: Internet and Phone, which will cost me probably $60 per month, which multiplied by 8 months equals about $480.
And NONE of that even accounts for things that I'll actually need to live, like food or emergency stuff.

Translating that out, That equals out to approximately $9000 for the year. I will get student funding as well, but OH, WAIT! I only get $8500 from that! So I'm in the fucking red from the get go! This means I can't even afford to EAT unless I get a job over the summer. YAY!

Jesus fucking christ, do governments take time out of their day, sipping their tea and looking at the newspaper, just long enough to laugh sadistically in the faces of children because they know when they grow up, only the rich bitches will be able to afford any form of secondary education? How the fuck do they expect us to live? Fucking sell ourselves on the street to whore out our bodies, but that would be okay because the goddamn government owns our SOULS anyways with crushing and horrid debt? WOW, yay for Education! And the BEST PART of this: the government is raising the mother fucking tuitions again next year to cover the federal governments cuts in education! Oh, things just keep getting better and fucking better! What's next? A 'First Paid, First Serve' Program for the wealthy in case they get sick so that the people who actually NEED medical attention can die, thereby fulfilling survival of the fittest? I don't get this bullshit.

What in the flying fuck do they think we are? Do we have money trees sprouting from our asses that give us unlimited wealth and power amongst this 'elite' little society that we have? We are the GODDAMN FUTURE here! Hello, little respect maybe?! They treat us like shit, they don't care in the least about our problems, they hike the prices so that people can't afford the goddamn place even WITH the student loans and then WE get bitched at because there's not enough people that can afford school? Hypocrites MUCH? Then they raise the fucking tuitions more because less people can afford it! This is getting to be obscene...hell, it already IS obscene. I can just imagine how this shit is for people who can't get student loans and I have to say they have all the sympathies that I can give. Nobody can afford this bullshit yet they think the people are made of money. Fuck that noise.

Ah yes, so now because of goddamn school, I pretty much can't afford anything now. No personal shit at all. Not unless I find some amazing job in the summer that gives me a good deal of money that I would be able to spend a little on something that would make me LESS INSANE because school drove me to BE insane. Talk to any individual and you'll find that college is burn out central. You will not be able to find someone who was in college that didn't get completely burnt out at one point or another. It's pretty much what they do. God fucking bless em.

God, I'm so pissed right now that I'm seeing red. Two more years in this educational hellhole so that I can get out with a piece of paper and a debt that would rival the cost of a small house. Welcome to our world, where the students are scum under the boots of administrators who couldn't care less if you lived or died.

Welcome to OUR world, where the 'future' is taxed and burdened by massive debt just to get an education so we can inherit a world that the previous generations FUBARed anyways.

I'm feeling the joy,
-The Snakey
     Read 4 - Post
Rising from the Ashes or Self Propelled Hope?   
11:36pm 10/03/2004
mood: content
It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote in this thing. I'm kind of surprised, I expected that I wouldn't be able to wait this long to write something else, but I guess I just haven't really gotten around to it honestly. We're into March now, which I lovingly call 'Hell Month', the time in college when the professors feel the need to catch up on all they missed, which subsequently includes in some cases, back to back essays happening over multiple classes. It's not the prettiest sight, but that's what happens. Just have to keep the head high, goals straight ahead of you and try not to get swept away in the current of crap that starts to flow at you. Nothing causes burn out like a tidal wave of assignments coming at you.

Burning out, a phrase we've all used at one point or another. When we've hit our point of no return, when our bodies are finally starting to give out physically, mentally and emotionally, when we slink back and just want nothing more than to sleep. I feel an intense feeling that this will be my fate in the coming weeks, what with all my research essays coming to the forefront and having to be done rather quickly. It's not like it hasn't happened before...in fact, I've dealt with this more times than I can count, some for reasons that are pretty obvious, others for no other reason than a lack of emotional stability in the past. We all get over it, though some manage to breakdown and that's a whole other ball of wax.

Mental collapse, something akin to a nervous breakdown I think, but involving less of the emotions and moreso of your mind just giving out, where you feel as though you can't think of anything, where you can barely even recognize where you are. It's a sign not really of stress but of long term issues that just never seem to be resolved, building and grating as it slowly eats away at your mind until finally, it just leaves. Last Sunday, which would be the 7th of March, I believe I had one of these. Now, yes, I realize that this is problematic normally and that I should probably be trying to relax or something, but oddly enough, something different happened than I expected.

My mind crashed and burned, without a doubt on that, and I can't remember a whole lot of Sunday night. I know I was talking to some people and such, but beyond that, I can't remember what I was talking to them about or most of what I said, though a few brief things did manage to stick into my mind. The strange part though came with the next morning, when I literally felt better than I had in years.

You might wonder, how exactly does that work? A mental collapse leading to some kind of feel good time where everything seems to be right in the world, things seeming to have an overall balance that was restored? It seems so. Odd, no? I thought I would be laying in bed on Monday morning, curled up under my blanket and wanting to not leave it, but instead, I was up and energetic, bouncing about like I was completely carefree. It was interesting, to say the least, because I look back at it and I can barely believe the fact that it was me doing that. I've calmed a bit over the span of this week, but things seem to have cleared up completely. It's felt better, the pressure hasn't been nearly as bad. It's like I had an old crystal goblet that was starting to wear. It was getting old and time was wearing upon it. Then it was thrown against a wall and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. To compensate, a new goblet, one that was not worn at all, replaced it. I feel invigorated, my imagination and inspiration have returned. It's the damnedest thing.

It makes me wonder if the human mind has something akin to a 'reboot' mode that things just start to press and press, then before you know it, things just look better the next morning. All seems good and correct. It's the damnedest thing. Perhaps, though, I'm just being overly optimistic and I'm trying to force myself to think that I'm feeling better. The mind can be a very powerful thing that could do a great deal in regards to one's body. So, I don't know which it is...some kind of rise from the ashes or my own mental processes compensating for what should have been mental devastation.

Guess that's up to what people believe.

Feeling Pretty Good and Enjoying It,
-The Snakey
     Read 2 - Post
01:09pm 24/02/2004
mood: depressed
Greetings people who actually read the drivel I tend to post. Two weeks or so since my last entry, quite a while overall but I can't say I'm all that surprised really. The last two weeks have been interesting but unfortunately mediocre at best. It's been a pain both in my body and mind, to say the least. I can't say that I'm doing all that badly, but things have been starting to mount lately that I just don't know how well I'm able to handle anymore.

Consider, if you will, a castle. Grand in design, with many a tower and more capable of being defended against by even the most devastating of opponent. Rock after rock from catapults, arrows and battering rams charging the doors, only to be repelled. Invaders from every possible angle that has beaten against the stone to try and cause even the slightest bit of damage. It's withstood and held on well enough, dinged and scratched, damaged in a few parts but relatively unscatched. What if, though, all of these things pounded against this formidable foundation, only to find that it would take just a flick of one's finger before it would all come crashing down. Anything and everything can only take so much before it finally collapses. As I've become fond of saying as of late, "Entropy always wins."

The analogy above is fitting for many people, myself included, in the trying times that is our lives. Everybody handles these difficulties in different ways, which is fairly standard in dealing with all of the different types of personalities that exist out there. All well and good, right? I have to wonder really. Some people can only withstand a small amount while others could last a long time indeed, it's all relative to the strength of the individual. I can't help but feel that my own structure is on the verge though.

The last two weeks or so has involved a great deal of thinking for me, about many things that most people would probably think is a waste of time to consider. I'll admit that I worry about things far more than most would consider them needing to be worried about, but alas, it's one of those flaws that I can't seem to help.

I wonder often what exactly is the purpose now that had changed since in the past? I'm only 23 years old, my definition of the past seems a little bit shorter than many people who are older than I, but nonetheless, in those years that I've been alive, too many things to count have changed. I've used computers since I was seven years old, having went from a TI from 1982 and a Commodore 64 to the computer I sit on right now, writing this entry. I've been online since I was twelve, about eleven years now, and I've seen the birth of many of the services that nowadays are booming and cater to millions of people. I see all these things, I consider the number of people that exist with us on this tiny little planet and I have to wonder if there's any way to actually make a difference anymore. A long time ago, people could change the world because there were things that could be changed. To sail across the ocean and find a new country was something that could change the very nature of our existences. To find life on another planet could do that very thing for us for that matter. Will many people find themselves in a position like this though, to have a destiny that involves changing the lives of billions? I don't think so.

I find I lament this. Do I honestly believe that I have the qualities to change the world but I missed the boat? Perhaps, I don't consider myself charismatic enough or technical enough to do what needs to be done now to change things for the better, but it would have been something that most people would strive for. Making their mark and actually being remembered past their death. Unfortunately, this won't happen with the vast majority of people beyond their loved ones.

It's somewhat depressing to know that despite the best you can do, you still won't be able to affect anything on such a massive scale that one would be famous or world reknowned as people long ago could be. I don't know why this bothers me...perhaps because it highlights the futility of what I'm trying to do with my life. Attempting to attain a degree that for all intents and purposes is about as useful as toilet paper in comparison to actual ability. Of course, that method of thought isn't exactly going to help my marks any when I work away at these essays that I seem to have to constantly do for five different teachers, each wanting it written in the style they want, with a special type of formatting each. I don't think I know anyone though who actually manages to keep their heads up for that long without going insane. It happens a little too often I think.

Makes me wonder just how many other people think this way as well or if I'm one of those odd ducks that just seems to wander into thoughts that nobody really bothers with.

I got an essay back today. I didn't do well on it, so I'll just have to do better on the next one. I have another that I handed in yesterday that my teacher said would likely be given back tomorrow. I have another essay due next Monday that I'm going to have to work on tonight so that I can send it to him, hopefully attaining a better mark on it than the last essay I did for him. On a side note, I'm starting to fucking HATE essays.

Maybe I should finish writing something tonight, try and do a story. Maybe that'll take my mind off things a bit. Escape a little bit for a change. I think that's enough rambling for now though.

Embrace the entropy,
-The Snakey
     Read 2 - Post
Patience and Perception...   
01:13pm 10/02/2004
mood: apathetic
If there's one thing that just about everyone can relate to, it's the concept of patience. One has patience, or they don't, it's simple enough right? It can dependant on many things, from personality to genetics, it can even be modified by some diseases that cause people to go hyperactive. For me, patience is something that I feel I have, but oddly enough, it changes depending on the subject that it relates to. Perhaps it's strange, but I'll fully admit to having a patience level that changes, as I'm sure many others do too.

Perception is a whole other ball of wax. Ask anyone for a definition of it and I guarantee that you'll get many different answers as to what people think of it. My personal definition is that perception is the way that we look at the world, in both a physical and a spiritual concept, in conjunction with the observational skills of the individual and the thoughts the individual has. Pretty simple really. I have to wonder though if there is some strange mixture of the two in some people's minds, as lately I've been wondering about this question.

As of late, perhaps for the last few months, I've found that I've had not very much patience. This could very well be because of my schooling, as I know (and many others could tell you) that after a few months, you start to get pretty twitchy and burnt out. No number of weekends will help with this and no vacations will make more than a dent. It's just the way of the world really. Second semesters are always the worst for this reasoning. Other reasons for my dwindling patience would be the lack of creative outlets I've been feeling lately besides my writings, which I can't (for some reason) seem to expel enough of to even try to feel better about things. So lately I've basically been floating about, unsure of what to do presently with nothing in sight that would help me feel better. For some reason though, this seems to have had the strangest effect.

What once was my perception was pretty average, normal enough, though I wouldn't say normal in comparison to your average teen. I've never considered drinking and sex to be a priority, so that makes me different right there. Lately though, things have transformed to some odd, mutated form of what they once were. To be, things seem to have sped up in my mind, changing from what should take a long while to something almost akin to delusion in that I feel that things should be moving faster. Relationships solidified in days, not weeks or months, great stories written in weeks, not years. Hell, school, almost 2 years in, feels like it should be done by now. All these things seem to have happened, my perception altered, because I seem to have grown a little less patient with things. Rather odd.

Perhaps this has something to do that I recently turned 23 not two weeks ago, and I fully admit this could be some unconscious psychological alteration caused by my belief that I'm growing older, but I think this is more along the lines of something created by the environment I exist in. I hang about online quite a bit and perhaps the misanthropy mentioned in my last post would create a little light that shines down on this subject as well. To be honest though, I've no idea what did this to me, only that it happened and I'm trying to get to the point where it's not happening anymore. So far the results have had minimal success.

I'll just have to keep looking into myself, see what I can find. Until then, anyone else had this little problem? Feel free to post, tell your thoughts.

'All Work and No Play Makes Snakey a Dull Boy',
-The Snakey
     Read 2 - Post